So in my last post I mentioned my BMI was 30.9. BMI is a factor of weight and height to come to a measurement to make you feel like there is yet another area of your life where you are not good enough and must improve.
Well I looked up a BMI chart to see what a BMI of 30.9 meant.
A BMI of :
18.5 - 25 = Normal
25 - 30 = Overweight
30+ = Obese
I'm obese! What???!!! I am overweight. I won't argue that with anyone. But obese? That was a surprise!
I've called myself a big girl for years and my husband hates it when I do that!
"You are not big! What are you talking about?"
So we have had many arguements about why I qualify as a big girl.
Me: I shop at plus size clothing stores. I've gained 30 pounds since we met. I have to wear XL size in my bike jersey and shorts.
Kris: Stupid sport gear companies make clothes for those skinny ass atheletes. An XL in a bike short is like a med in regular clothes. Big girls don't ride centuries, bag peaks or run form miles. Last time we rode our bikes I had to work to keep up with you! You're not as big as you think.
So I took my BMI information to him.
(Are you all thinking I'm crazy to try to convince my husband I'm fat? Yeah, I know. I am a strange one. But I think that's why he loves me. :) )
"See," I said, "30.9. Obese!"
"BMI? Bullsh*t Measurements for Idiots! That's what that is. They only consider weight and height. There are many more factors to health. That doesn't mean shi*t."
Why do I argue with him? Why must I get him to admit I'm a big girl? Here's my best guess:
For most of my life it has been very clear that it's not ok to be heavy. My first diet started before I was even a teenager. It was terrible to measure every thing and pass up 'teenage' foods only to quit and not lose any weight or lose a little only to gain it back plus a couple of pounds. With every failed diet and every extra pound it was clear that I was a failure and not as good as I should be. As the years moved on and the failures increased it became more and more clear that I was not good, strong or desireable. I was just a fat slob that failed failed failed. I was lucky to have men interested in me since I didn't have much to offer them.
So I think I want Kris to acknowledge that I am a big girl and it's ok. No need to deny it or make exceptions for me to be exempt from that label. I'm a big girl and he loves me as I am. Failures and all.
I was a sad little girl trying to conform to what culture and people around me said I should be.
It wasn't until later adulthood when I had to face some tought life events that I finally looked closely at my life patterns. It was at this time of my life I had to rely soley on my self. And that is when I finally gained some honest perspective.
I found that I had a lot more than I realized to offer people. "Lucky to have men interested in me"? When I looked back on my life, I was never without a partner. No matter what I weighed. There were times I had to turn guys down because I was already involved with someone. Lucky men were interested me? Huh! Where did that thought come from? I had a lot to offer.
I found that I am a strong woman who can take care of myself just fine. Those failures of diets started from a little girl restricting food to a growing body. Yeah, not good odds that would go well. All that did was start an unhealthy cycle.
I can do every activity I want to do. My weight doesn't hold me back.
Like Kris says "Anybody who can hike for 8 and a half hours straight, climbing 3000 verticle feet over 10 miles isn't obese!" (Yeah I did that).
Obese or not, I am finally happy. I love who I am and what I have to offer my employers, my neighbors, my friends, my family. I will never diet again. No good comes from it for me. Only negative memories and a feeling of 'wrongness'. If my health starts to go downhill, I might think about making some adjustments so I can continue the activities I love.
But until then, I'll keep running with a big ass smile on my face and a big ass behind me!